Monday, 30 June 2014

Goodbye Peel Banana!

My So Called Life. 

So my love’s I have decided to say farewell to this blog.

I've loved this blog. LOVED IT. A space of safety up until recently and a chance for me to explore all aspects of myself. How wonderful! How lucky I have been!

And I've come ever such a long way haven't I? From recovering depressive to someone who really sees that version of myself as almost an entirely different person really. 

I thank those of you who have been with me since the start. Thank you darling's.

I thank those of you who have dipped in & out of this space.Thank YOU. 

I thank those of you who have commented & those of you who never have, nor will. Thank you! 

I thank you ALL for contributing your energy & presence & holding space for me to grow & heal. 

I love you all. 

I love you Peel Banana. 

(Hey so find me on Facebook if you haven't done so already ok sweet thing's ok?) 

Time to create another blanket of love and safety just for now.

Time to laugh at my own sensitivities too.

With love & thanks to all of you & also Havi Brooks for telling her avid readership that  blogging is one of the most healing & precious gifts that a person can give to themselves!

Goodbye Peel Banana.

Hello Something Wonderful.

Something Wonderful is coming sooooooooon!!!!!!


Wednesday, 18 June 2014

When lovers, healers, facilitators of change DO judgement.

During my recent training in Reflective Repatterning I was lucky enough to work with a practitioner on the theme of judgement.

Her name is Elena and she's also a Faster EFT practitioner and she's RRuddy marvellous.

I inform Elena that whilst I adore the idea of loving and accepting everyone unconditionally - the reality is that I often live at some distance from my ideals.

Of course after two decades of working on myself I know that judging others is just another dimension of judging myself.

Still, knowing this hasn't made this pattern dissolve any more swiftly.

I share some of the details and flavour of my judgements with Elena the maRRvelous.

"I have a funny thing about the eyes - like if someone looks at me in a certain way, for example there eye's glaze over, or they're looking all over the place like this (demonstrating) I think damn it, they're not listening to me properly." She nods in what I hope is recognition.

Relieved that my confession is deemed acceptable I reveal something more of my foibles "What really pisses me off is when they barely hide their disinterest - like I have a point of view and they're not even listening! Outrageous!"

As a helper type-person of course - judgement is banned. So are projecting our ideas about what other people are thinking or feeling.

None of us do it - ever. We are neutral and balanced at all times, observant and curious no matter what.

This is never more so than if we've given up wheat, or we meditate. Or, if for example, we write love letters and especially, especially if we've ever gone through a significant hardship and have come through to the other side.

Under those circumstances, well then we definitely never do judgement, we're beyond it, we've surpassed all that. We've read the spiritual books, we've done our morning's Tai Chi or Yoga, we're attended our monthly cuddle class, we've laughed ourselves into a state of bliss, we've had our years of therapy also.

We are so far beyond all that we actually levitate. We float through time and space on a little pink cloud surrounded by unicorns with deliciously hot men serving our every need.

Ah ha haaa. Ah ha haaaaaa. Ba hahaha haaaa.

Yes, yes, we still do it. We still judge people. Of course we do. Hell yes.

Wrapped up with a dinky little polka dotted bow many of us have become skilled at hiding this aspect of ourselves from ourselves as much as each other.

But there it is in the background, lurking. Nyurrrkkk.(The sound of disdain.)

So Elena treats me using RR with a hefty sprinkling of humour (which is also an integral part of RR ) and it brings up both resistance, laughter and a sense of agreement and disagreement.

"Ooo judgement, judgement - am I looking at you right or are you judging me right now?" she asks joyfully with a twinkle in her eye.

"Yes, yes, I'm judging yoooo" I squeal in relief at this point.

It's bizarrely liberating to have this aspect of myself acknowledged out loud and with such an injection of humour. I feel an unexpected surge of happiness.

"You should write hate letters instead of love letters" she adds, causing me to collapse in laughter again.

She's right though - there's so much judgement around hating or judging people, which only serves to lock the judgement further into place. It's neither helpful, or kind to self.

Later the creator of Reflective Repatterning Chris Milbank speaks more to this subject "It's funny really some people hate the hate word and need to heal the resistance to actually loving it, hate saves, so good to hate marrying a serial killer, people so often don't see the love in hate."

It feels strange to speak to the loving of hate - a sometimes feels like a difficult and unsettling idea to make peace with. The "healer" in me objects and yet it resonates as truth also.

Really the idea is to recognise that all things, even those things which are ugly, undesirable and painful, exist because on some level - our unconscious deems them to serve a positive intent.

Judging judgement itself won't change or release the behaviour and pattern, although awareness and non judgement might though.

L xxx

Sunday, 15 June 2014

A Love Letter to my Dead Daddy. When the worse things in the world - turn out to be the best things too.

If Dad was still alive I would not have been able to say"Yes Daddy your mess up's were huge".

I wouldn't have been able to acknowledge that it actually all works out for the best.

It wasn't possible to have a good relationship with my Dad whilst he was alive because he was running away from so much pain. 

Somewhere along the line he had learnt that it was impossible to face one's vulnerability. This meant that he was prone to erratic behaviour & bouts of cruelty in word and deed.

He wasn't just those things though. He was loving and playful at times and was of course hugely over protective, stifling and judgemental (I think my brother had the toughest time of it because they shared the same gender). 

But even so he loved us fiercely, in his own f...up way.

Of course love was present but it was infused with fear, manipulation and control. Nevertheless, there was still a yearning to connect - however much it was repressed or shaped into actions that were pretty damn cruel. 

Truth is learning how to be okay with judging him and his life choices was a vital part of my self healing. 

Being able to evolve into more neutrality came only with the passing of time and after a decade or more spent quietly raging, softening, exploring, healing.

Crucially he needed to be the heck out of my space in order for me to do the work. 

So, yes, his death truly helped me to find myself. (That may sound weird, but it's probably not all that uncommon in scenarios like mine.) 

Children and partners of violent men or women become wired to love in spite of abuse. So it's essential to allow people to feel vulnerable, angry, or spiky about the people who have abused them - because they were never allowed those responses at the time that the abuse actually occurred. 

That said my brother and mother knew - we all knew even then that this was a man who was organised by his own internal demons. 

And so for me his death was timely and a blessing. It freed me up to heal and travel deep, deep within in order to find out who the heck I really was.

I'm pretty certain that all my baggage and trauma helped to initiate me into the the question - how do we love, how do we heal and what the heck does happiness look like to me anyway? 

His passing had other unexpected gifts. It was my first profound awakening into an awareness of another realm - although I didn't quite language it like that back then.

I no longer bought into the idea that death was a bad thing necessarily

And I remember feeling strongly that the Universe had it's own plans and that nothing was a mistake - neither life, nor death, nor pain, or joy. 

All is as it's meant to be.  

Not that experiencing huge grief, or rage would have been wrong either. But for me his passing triggered an expanding of perspective that brought a deeper sense of peace and awareness of infinite possibilities.

In this sense death can truly shake us up and wake us up to the truth of who we really are. 

The truth is Daddy, who I'm speaking to right now - we chose each other.

We chose the experience of abuse, of love and un-love - all messy and intertwined together. We chose it. 

You playing out the role of the Bad one and us playing out the roles of the Good one's or the Weak One's. A drama, a tragedy, a farce. 

So Daddy, so Neville Lloyd-Evelyn, I love you, I love you, I love you. 


It's taken me some 20 years to let you back into my heart again - to know that this isn't me saying abuse is alright. 

To admit that it's okay to love you and forgive you. To acknowledge that I signed up for this whole dealio. 

Right now at least, I can perceive this whole life-shit-thing as a gift and i love that!  

If you still needed to hear this Daddy and I know you're there *the 'dead' love blogs I've heard!... 

Please go right ahead and release your shame and regret it doesn't serve me. 

I've always loved you and I really do believe that I chose this experience, including the really awesomely big crap stuff. So, thanks! Way to go you - thanks! Hahaaa. 

(This is NOT to be re-languaged or taken out of context and used an excuse for people to abuse people.)

Daddy I feel your loving presence now and that means the world to me. It's really beautiful.  

I don't care that I can't see you, or you hear it - I don't need that -  I just love knowing that you're still here (or...there!) 

Happy, happy Father's Day folks! 

Happy Father's Day Daddy! 

This is a weird letter-blog post. But I don't fucking care. 

See you all in another life time! X